I think New Year's Resolutions are supposed to be like goals. I left the market shaking. If you are on Twitter, maybe you want to follow me. I'm a pretty good cook in my way. The end of the football season is one of my traditional times for taking stock. There's a good chance I'm going to have sex this weekend, which is awesome in both sense of the word. The first competitive match of the season is usually on a Saturday, but this year the league cup got underway before the league. The beginning of the school year counts as a new year, doesn't it? I'm not in America. I've been cruelly neglecting my blog lately.
(There are usually 12 sentences: one for each month. This year, there are only ten, because two months went by without a single blog post. I have no excuse.)
What did you do in 2012 that you have never done before?
Voluntarily got screened for STIs without knowing I had anything to worry about. Got dumped and still managed to be on friendly terms with the former lover. Attempted to claim disability benefits.
Did you keep all of last years resolutions?
I resolved to make some resolutions, and I did. Didn't manage to keep those, alas.
Have you any resolutions for next year?
I have aspirations, but couching them as resolutions is just asking to disappoint the world.
What countries did you visit?
I would have visited the States again if British passports weren't made of some ridiculous water-dissolving shite. As it is, I've been tied to England.
What would you like to have in 2013 that you didn't have in 2012?
Last year, I wished for "Lucy in my bed every morning, and a football team I can support without absolute dread." I still have neither of these. This year, I'm going for something simpler: a driving licence. If that doesn't work, I give up.
What date in 2012 will remain etched in your memory?
22nd July, the wedding/handfasting of two of my closest friends. 29th October, when Scunthorpe United reappointed the one person I swore to abandon them if they appointed. (Spoiler: I didn't abandon them.) 16th October, when my entitlement to Income Support ran out and I started living on tax credits and family generosity.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being honest about how wretched I feel and how terrified things make me.
What was your biggest failure?
Making plans and then abandoning them due to epic lack of energy.
Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Does the clap count?
What was the best thing you bought?
My dad paid for it but I picked it out: a new and far more reliable cooker.
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My own? Oh yeah, (Cis) Children's Services and the Tories and everyone were as shit as ever, but if they wanted to destroy me, I didn't do much to resist. Honourable mention to one Mr Brian Laws, who appears to think letting in four goals against Doncaster is somehow comparable to murdering eleven million people. Wanker.
Where did most of your money go?
A more appropriate question would be where it came from. Since October, the answer is that it didn't. Iain Duncan Smith's cunning plan to prevent me from spending it wastefully.
What did you get really really really excited about?
My short-lived but lovely-while-it-lasted relationship with nakedfaery and the planned trip to Philadelphia and West Virginia. Note how neither of them worked out all that well.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drinking, not because I'm ashamed of self-medicating when I feel the need, but because I wish it hadn't been as necessary. Excess alcohol consumption should be about pleasure-seeking, not pain avoidance.
How did you spend Christmas?
At my dad's, doing all the things we've always done at Christmas, but with conscious efforts to keep stress at a minimum. A measure of our success is that the worst argument we had centred around me testily saying "We've had that one" every time anyone cracked a joke that had already been made.
Did you fall in love in 2012?
Not with anyone new, but I did tell someone I'd had a crush on them for a long time that I loved them.
How many one night stands?
None. I offered some Arsenal fans a blow job, but decided against it when I realised they were reading me as female.
What was your favourite TV show?
Let's put it this way: when I stepped into a living room with a TV set yesterday, I stared at it as if hypnotised. TV and me aren't close.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate, exactly. I'm just deeply, deeply disappointed with him: Steve Wharton.
What was/were the best books you read?
Cryptonomicon, which swallowed several days of Christmas preparation by being so damn absorbing.
What did you want and get?
Some work experience in the back room of a charity shop. A prosthetic penis. Help from those members of my family who care.
What did you want and not get?
Proper support from the organisations whose remit allegedly includes supporting me.
What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I was 34. We had a family meal (the same family that gathered two months later for Christmas, actually) at Frankie&Benny's.
What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
Scunthorpe United appointing just about anyone else as their new manager.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Last year's was "All the finest clothes I could garner from a host of charity shops." Same this year, but my charity shop pickings are now improved by my staff discount and the fact that all the clothes pass in front of me before the customers see them.
What kept you from destroying yourself?
I don't know. Stubbornness? A hint of optimism buried somewhere beneath the cynicism? Self-absorbed fear of my unique consciousness ceasing to exist? Take your pick.
Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
I'm just going to paste from last year: Gary Hooper of Celtic, affectionately referred to as "my boytoy". He ignores me on Twitter, but I love him anyway.
Which political issue stirred you the most?
The same ones that always get me worked up. Perhaps even more than oppression was people making excuses for oppression or asking us to ignore when our supposed allies were treating us like crap.
Who did you miss?
Lucy. Now there's an ocean and a continent between us, and it's Just Not Fair.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
You can get the clap from blow jobs too. Flavoured condoms were invented for a reason.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I believe in heaven here on earth till the beginning ends."