What did you do in 2013 that you have never done before?
Appeared in a serious documentary with sex and not a porno whatever rumours you may have heard. Proposed to Lucy on bended knee with ring box in hand. (Both on the same day, funnily enough.)
Did you keep all of last years resolutions?
By the simple expedient of not making any, I did in fact keep all that I made.
Have you any resolutions for next year?
Resolutions are for people who aren't broken.
What countries did you visit?
Canada, the USA, and Canada, in that order. I got hassled on entry to the first two, but they let me back into Canada willingly enough. Probably because I had a plane ticket out the same day.
What would you like to have in 2014 that you didn't have in 2013?
Doesn't matter what I want. I'm not getting it anyway.
What date in 2013 will remain etched in your memory?
18th April, the date when the Canadian border agents insisted I leave their country. (Luckily that coincided with the flight I'd already booked before I set out.) 5th September, the Cis Children's Services meeting that went beyond horrible and into sheer nightmare. 20th November, when the festering pustule of a Scunthorpe United manager finally got a P45, to my intense relief.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Still being alive, free, and capable of basic functioning at the end of it.
What was your biggest failure?
Letting xCLP down when the depression got the better of me.
Did you suffer any illness or injury?
As well as suicidal ideation requiring medication, I now have physical symptoms of anxiety requiring a beta blocker, so that's been fun.
What was the best thing you bought?
I didn't actually buy anything, but Fluffy gave me her old smartphone, which has revolutionised my tweeting life.
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Cis Children's Services. Not content with claiming I'm harming xCLP by not telling enough cissexist lies and occasionally leaving dishes in the sink for 24 whole hours, they are now insisting that I plan Lindsay's life as well as mine to suit their ideal relationship template, suggesting xCLP thinks deep thoughts about what beds the adults in his life sleep in, and demanding access to my personal medical records.
Where did most of your money go?
What fucking money? I think all the money I spent this year was a generous giftloan from my dad or Fluffy.
What did you get really really really excited about?
Visiting Lucy and being in the serious documentary that was definitely not a porno. Playing some non-league team in the FA Cup, which turned out pretty horrendously in the end.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sleeping. But when my brain can't handle difficult things like figuring out which task to deal with first, bed just seems like the safest place.
How did you spend Christmas?
At my dad's. I then returned to my flat for a couple of days and am now back here for New Year's Eve.
Did you fall in love in 2013?
No. I already love many people and feel I'm failing them all, so that's probably for the best.
How many one night stands?
None. Didn't even get any offers. Lucy refuses to accept that I am basically not a sexy person.
What was your favourite TV show?
NCIS, I guess. I watch it a fair bit with my dad when I'm at his.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Most of the mendacious lying shitbags of Cis Children's Services, but most especially one "support" worker who keeps smugly telling me how she parents her children. It sounds indistinguishable from abuse to me, but I think I'm supposed to be emulating her.
What was/were the best books you read?
I've been reading as many of the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency books as I can lay my hands on. They're enormous fun to read.
What did you want and get?
A visit to Lucy. Someone other than Brian Laws as Scunthorpe United manager.
What did you want and not get?
The benefits I'm bloody well entitled to buy apparently can't get without performing disability-defying feats of form-filling.
What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I was 35. I watched Scunthorpe get THREE POINTS and then had a blow-out meal with Fluffy and xCLP. Can birthdays get any better than that?
What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
Cis Children's Services not being complete arseholes.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
I think I rotated between about four different outfits because laundry and ironing was too much for me.
What kept you from destroying yourself?
Narcissism. Lucy claims I don't seem like a narcissist, but there's not really any other explanation for my continued willingness to inflict myself on the world.
Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Celebrities are kind of meh. I tend to fancy completely inappropriate people from the fringes of my friends circle.
Which political issue stirred you the most?
This terrible excuse for a government and their continued attempts to blame poor people for the various humiliations they're inflicting on us.
Who did you miss?
Still Lucy. It's back to just the ocean between us, but that's still Too Far.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
I think I've been too busy trying to keep my head above water to learn anything.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all..."?